1. i draft out these long emails that i don’t send. or sometimes i send them the next night if the timing is right. it feels like the safest place to write. to an audience of one. to an audience with distance. to an audience who cares enough to completely ignore my moods.
2. when the air is cooler, i am comforted.
3. when the clouds are thicker, i feel at home.
4. and it’s always about that in the end, in some capacity. it’s always the backbone of every piece.
5. traditional narratives
6. i imagined myself as the antagonist in a reality show titled, ‘babes of gmail’. i wondered why i couldn’t enjoy the things other people seem to love with ease.
7. we avoid bravado, but it is always here.
8. i have two documents open, and one is called ‘BOOK’, which is my book. the other is called ‘book’ which is yours. when will you stop being You?
9. the answer is not yet.
10. from my chair now, i can see the empire state building on that island of dirt. the weeks go by and we just get more tired.
11. then on the beach in the cold we agree to move back to europe, as though europe is a homogeneous land mass we have never seen before, as though europe is a nice place we could swim to if we want it enough.
12. barcelona or berlin, we say.
13. with so much love in a room, i have to look down.
14. the truth is, everybody already has an escape plan.
15. a catalyst increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change, and i think this is what i feel the most afraid of.